| hey sorry i havent written in a while... |
[03 Apr 2005|10:20pm] |
i dont know if many people read what i write or if anyone was upset that i hadnt written anything in a while...
Life is progressing... thats all i have to say.
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| hello...finally |
[14 Jan 2005|11:33am] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
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its my free before english class and i finally have time to write something. i could update you on my life, but that wouldnt be too interesting. so im here waiting for my english class to start, because after english i have lunch and lunch is my favorite part of the school day. Im looking around the computer center for that is where i am right now. little cubicles where each computer is to prevent other people from looking at your screen but you can do that by just walking by... ironic kinda. 10 more min till class, i think ill just lie on the couches.... destress myself for i feel like im going to break im so wound up. i want to go to bed. i dont want to be in a little cublicle typing away...this keyboard sucks anyway...
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[28 Dec 2004|09:28pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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so life is all about the constant change of events.
what exactly does "condone" mean?
my confusion is.... does it have a negitive or positive tone?
who knows.
so life is all about the constant change of events.
some people dont like change
so does life suck for them?
so life is all about the constant change of events.
so life leaves people dissapointed and hurt?
who knows.
so life is all about the constant change of events.
yeah. it is.
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| white lies. |
[18 Dec 2004|08:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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104.7 (radio) |
] |
so...
there are things that i would love to tell you, there are things that i would love to express but i would just be repeating myself over and over again. Dont tell me that i dont love you because i know you know that i do. Dont tell me that i deserted you because i know that you know i didnt. So maybe i cant spend every waking moment telling you these things over and over again. Maybe i just want to be my own person, maybe i just want to be free. She lets me be free why cant you? why cant you let me be? why cant you stop being so needy? So if i dont email you you get hurt, if i dont call you, you think im neglecting you, im not, i swear, im not. But of course you dont belive me and ask me to trust you... how can i trust you when you lie, they might be white lies but to many white lies lead to disrespect you. When you randomly loose your temper you loose respect. You expect me to respect and trust you right away with a few sorrys? i used to do that but now i changed, i changed into a young lady who realizes that you cant change. I am respecting myself to realize that i cant have so high standards for you, to realize that there is no point in expecting more than i will recieve and not to be dissapointed. It hurts when your dissapointed because of your own father.
i still love you.
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| hi |
[14 Dec 2004|11:16am] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
] |
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music |
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theres no music playing in the computer center!! |
] |
yes, i know i never post but then again, do people read? i dont know, and frankly i dont care cause writing is all about me. i get to right what i want and i let people read what i write. right. so anyways, i have a free now and i could do work but im not, im just sitting relaxing...
ughhhh periiiioddddddddd, i hate them and this week its badddd really baddd....so now im all tierd and feel crappy...but at least in spanish i get to watch a movie, but its in spanish... so i hope i understand it, i think i will. time to lounge even more.
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| comments |
[10 Dec 2004|04:58pm] |
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i love how i have no comments.
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| spongebob squarepants the movie......SUCKS |
[26 Nov 2004|04:48pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
] |
spending three hours with my siblings, my sister, stepsister and stepbrother who are all under the age of 12 is not my idea of fun. On top of that i had to take them to see the Spongebob Squarepants Movie. On a rating of one to ten i give the movie a negitive five. Thats how bad the movie was, even my sister thought it was horrible. On the plus side, i got money for it. So im home with nothing to do and thats about it. I think my mom is going to find a place where we can paint pottery. That will be nice, i miss doing that with her, that was the one thing we mutually enjoyed doing together. Untill then im going to sit here drink my chai and spend a few minutes not thinking about anything.
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[24 Nov 2004|08:11pm] |
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mood |
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mellow |
] |
he is wonderful.
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[20 Nov 2004|08:58pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
] |
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music |
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WIZARD OF OZ |
] |
i dont know what to say but i want to say something moving, something inspirational. im lost. I havent got anything. I havent written in so long. I mean written anything worthwhile reading. I could tell you more about my life, but do people read this anyway, do they take their time to go online, look up my journal and read my words?
maybe, but maybe they just glance and dont really read anything.
i would like to talk about my little sister.. she's troubled. she hates my father, in fact there is so much hate and sadness in her that i dont know what to do i dont know how to handle it, i dont know what to do. My father is a child, my sister is a child and im the adult. I dont want to be the adult, i dont want to care about everything but i dont have a choice, im stuck in the middle. Between being an adult and a child. Im at school and i feel in control, im control of myself and my surroundings. But then im home and everything is unpredictable, and uncontrollable. At my fathers house emotions run wild because my dad doesnt know what to do, I am the adult, i have to control everything, i have to take care of both of them. I hate it. I want to be back at school where im safe. Then again, i cant always get what i want. There are other people involved. Like my sister, she is 10 years old, and she has so many internal problems. She bottles things up and then takes it out in anger unlike me, i was quiet and all i did was cry...but she screams then cries.
I dont know how to handle it, that is the parent's job.
wait. im the parent.
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| home |
[20 Nov 2004|01:24pm] |
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im home, im home for more than a week. i dont know what im going to do. im seeing the christmas spectacular today then im seeing wicked tomorrow, that will be cool. so yeah, im kinda bored. im going to get some food.
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| hmmmmmmmmm |
[10 Nov 2004|10:58am] |
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mood |
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 bored |
] |
i have 30 minutes untill spanish class. My mom is coming later today to take me out, im excited, i need to get off campus. wow, its really warm in here. anyway. tough emotional couple of days since the suspension. right. bored. hmmmm..
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[06 Nov 2004|03:11pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
] |
"There is dignity in suffering; nobility in pain; but failure is a salted wound, that burns and burns again"
"Friends are gods ways of apologizing for our families"
Sticks and stones are hard on bones,
aimed with angry art
words can sting like anything,
but silence breaks the heart... -Phyllis mcgenlee
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| home |
[25 Oct 2004|11:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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on the verge of tears |
] |
| [ |
music |
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sometimes - nine days |
] |
when i come home i am surrounded by a flood of memories that ive tried for years to forget.
im not saying that i hated my childhood or that my life is more horrible than others. im just saying that when i come home, i dont feel like im at home anymore.
I am reminded of the belimia, the self consiousness that i had to deal with everyday.
I am reminded of the fights that my parents had, the fights which led to divorce.
I am reminded of my mothers drug addiction.
I am reminded of my fathers emotional instability.
I am reminded of how alone I felt on a constant basis, how i wanted to run away so badly but had no where to go.
I love my home, i really do, thats where i grew up. I love my parents and wouldnt be able to live without the love i have for my little sister. I feel as though she might be the only sane one in the family.
I went to boarding school and all my problems vanished. I didnt have to worry about anything, i only had to take care of myself, i didnt have to think about what was going on at home and it felt like my eating disorder dissapated. To me, it was like my parents were still together, i never had belimia, I never had mother that was an alcoholic and i was beautiful.
Then i come home for a weekend, or a vacation, or for the summer and i realize that nothing dissapeared, but things changed. Mother is already engaged, then married, now i have a stepfather and step siblings. Then i look in the mirror and i see this fat girl looking back at me and i feel like gorging myself with food which i try to refrain from doing but never succeed 100%. So i sleep through the days and nights that im at home and pray that the day i get to go back to school will come soon.
It eventually comes and again, i am at school and i pretend that im okay, i pretend so much that i believe that its true. I know that going home is good for me, to confront things that i would never be able to confront on my own. But everytime i go home i tell myself that im not going to cry, but i always do. Either because of the fight i got into with my father who called me a bitch or because my mother dragged me into the GAP and again i was reminded i was no longer the clothing size that i wanted to be or was.
But isint it true that every tear that is shed means that your soul is healing?
if it is, how long will it take to heal my soul. how many times do i have to come home and end up crying.
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| home |
[25 Oct 2004|11:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
on the verge of tears |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
sometimes - nine days |
] |
when i come home i am surrounded by a flood of memories that ive tried for years to forget.
im not saying that i hated my childhood or that my life is more horrible than others. im just saying that when i come home, i dont feel like im at home anymore.
I am reminded of the belimia, the self consiousness that i had to deal with everyday.
I am reminded of the fights that my parents had, the fights which led to divorce.
I am reminded of my mothers drug addiction.
I am reminded of my fathers emotional instability.
I am reminded of how alone I felt on a constant basis, how i wanted to run away so badly but had no where to go.
I love my home, i really do, thats where i grew up. I love my parents and wouldnt be able to live without the love i have for my little sister. I feel as though she might be the only sane one in the family.
I went to boarding school and all my problems vanished. I didnt have to worry about anything, i only had to take care of myself, i didnt have to think about what was going on at home and it felt like my eating disorder dissapated. To me, it was like my parents were still together, i never had belimia, I never had mother that was an alcoholic and i was beautiful.
Then i come home for a weekend, or a vacation, or for the summer and i realize that nothing dissapeared, but things changed. Mother is already engaged, then married, now i have a stepfather and step siblings. Then i look in the mirror and i see this fat girl looking back at me and i feel like gorging myself with food which i try to refrain from doing but never succeed 100%. So i sleep through the days and nights that im at home and pray that the day i get to go back to school will come soon.
It eventually comes and again, i am at school and i pretend that im okay, i pretend so much that i believe that its true. I know that going home is good for me, to confront things that i would never be able to confront on my own. But everytime i go home i tell myself that im not going to cry, but i always do. Either because of the fight i got into with my father who called me a bitch or because my mother dragged me into the GAP and again i was reminded i was no longer the clothing size that i wanted to be or was.
But isint it true that every tear that is shed means that your soul is healing?
if it is, how long will it take to heal my soul. how many times do i have to come home and end up crying.
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| home |
[25 Oct 2004|11:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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on the verge of tears |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
sometimes - nine days |
] |
when i come home i am surrounded by a flood of memories that ive tried for years to forget.
im not saying that i hated my childhood or that my life is more horrible than others. im just saying that when i come home, i dont feel like im at home anymore.
I am reminded of the belimia, the self consiousness that i had to deal with everyday.
I am reminded of the fights that my parents had, the fights which led to divorce.
I am reminded of my mothers drug addiction.
I am reminded of my fathers emotional instability.
I am reminded of how alone I felt on a constant basis, how i wanted to run away so badly but had no where to go.
I love my home, i really do, thats where i grew up. I love my parents and wouldnt be able to live without the love i have for my little sister. I feel as though she might be the only sane one in the family.
I went to boarding school and all my problems vanished. I didnt have to worry about anything, i only had to take care of myself, i didnt have to think about what was going on at home and it felt like my eating disorder dissapated. To me, it was like my parents were still together, i never had belimia, I never had mother that was an alcoholic and i was beautiful.
Then i come home for a weekend, or a vacation, or for the summer and i realize that nothing dissapeared, but things changed. Mother is already engaged, then married, now i have a stepfather and step siblings. Then i look in the mirror and i see this fat girl looking back at me and i feel like gorging myself with food which i try to refrain from doing but never succeed 100%. So i sleep through the days and nights that im at home and pray that the day i get to go back to school will come soon.
It eventually comes and again, i am at school and i pretend that im okay, i pretend so much that i believe that its true. I know that going home is good for me, to confront things that i would never be able to confront on my own. But everytime i go home i tell myself that im not going to cry, but i always do. Either because of the fight i got into with my father who called me a bitch or because my mother dragged me into the GAP and again i was reminded i was no longer the clothing size that i wanted to be or was.
But isint it true that every tear that is shed means that your soul is healing?
if it is, how long will it take to heal my soul. how many times do i have to come home and end up crying.
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| cant think |
[20 Oct 2004|09:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Prince Ali- Aladdin |
] |
Hello.
What to say. Long weekend is coming up. yay. wow...my mind tottally went blank, i think im going to go to bed... i dont think i can think any more... it refuses to concentrate and i cant do any work.. so im going to take my vitamins and go to bed.
good night.
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| cant think |
[20 Oct 2004|09:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Prince Ali- Aladdin |
] |
Hello.
What to say. Long weekend is coming up. yay. wow...my mind tottally went blank, i think im going to go to bed... i dont think i can think any more... it refuses to concentrate and i cant do any work.. so im going to take my vitamins and go to bed.
good night.
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| cant think |
[20 Oct 2004|09:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Prince Ali- Aladdin |
] |
Hello.
What to say. Long weekend is coming up. yay. wow...my mind tottally went blank, i think im going to go to bed... i dont think i can think any more... it refuses to concentrate and i cant do any work.. so im going to take my vitamins and go to bed.
good night.
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[20 Oct 2004|10:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crazy |
] |
THIS IS FOR PETER>>> I AM UPDATING MY JOURNAL.
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| its not mine |
[16 Oct 2004|10:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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classical |
] |
Classical music... it amazing how much the music can calm you.... how you can concentrate on what your doing and not think of anything at the same time. It so emotionally powerful and relieving.
Today i was thinking, why am i so uncomfortable at home? maybe because i dont feel like its my home any more. I feel more at home when im at school and when im home, i feel empty. Your not supposed to feel like that when your home, you supossed to feel all warm and safe. The only time i feel safe is when i feel his arms around me or whem im deep in slumber. Life isint always easy but its just wierd that it doesnt feel like you have a home to go to...just another place that your being taken to, its like my room isint my room, my desk isint my desk, and my bed, the most sacred thing i own, isint mine anymore.
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